Tag Archives: family

the time i caught my kitten hanging herself

People always say cats are easy. They just hang out, eating and shitting and don’t need a lot of attention. Kittens, however, are a challenge that seems to be conveniently left out of the equation. I recently adopted two (Bucket orange, Lola, black and white) from the local animal shelter and had no idea what I was in for.
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Between the litter training, malnourishment, meds, sleepless nights, requests for attention and unprecedented cuteness, I’ve gotten a glimpse of motherhood that makes me perfectly content that the real thing is nowhere in sight.

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I’ve never been solely responsible for another living creature and it surprises me how quickly I’ve fallen completely in love with these babies. Just this moment Bucket, the little stumpy fluffy one, made it into the windowsill for the first time without missing and splatting on his face. Victories like this make all the diarrhea blowouts worth it.

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The first time I got a glimpse of this kind of love was with my childhood kitty, Spoon (RIP lil’ angel). My parents got her when I was eleven and she was a petite little thing that looked like a Holstein cow.

Spoon wasn’t your quintessential lap kitty but she made up for it by being completely crazy, tearing around the house, talking constantly and attacking things like dust bunnies and wall hangings. Her crazed reptilian expressions, juxtaposed with her tiny fluffiness, warmed my little girl heart.

We used to set up “stations” where Spoon could entertain herself. One station in particular was called the ‘yoyo station’. It was simple, really. An unwound yoyo tied against the wooden slat of the back of a dinner chair. The  round yoyo part was high so Spoon could bat at it. The string was sort of intertwined within itself dangling, taunting. Spoon loved this station and spent much of her free time there.

One day I was sitting in my room when I heard a long low yowl that quickly escalated into an unbearable wall of sound. I went tearing out to the kitchen and found Spoon, wrapped in her yoyo, dangling from the back of the chair by the neck. She’d somehow managed to get tangled and stuck while suspended mid air. My dad and sister arrived on the scene and my dad yelled for me to get the scissors.

I did, and in a valiant effort to be the hero, I ran up to Spoon and attempted to cut her down from the neck. It didn’t occur to me to just cut the string she was hanging from, instead I tried to finesse the scissors past her struggling limbs into her neck fur and cut the very part of string that was choking her.  She flailed and yowled and I took my time concentrating on getting the scissors around the string by her neck.

Just before I could miss and cut her head off, my dad wrenched the scissors out of my hand and cut the string from the chair.  We pulled the remaining yoyo parts off her neck and body and Spoon, barely affected, wandered away to attack something else.

After that incident we discontinued the yoyo station for the duration of Spoon’s life.

Lola and Bucket have not encountered any yoyos in their home.

the time my grandma taught me how to steal

My grandma is the kind of person everyone wants to be like when they get old.  She has a response for everything and her ability to drop a dry witted/totally offensive one liner has only slightly waned with age.

At dinner when I was eleven years old, Grandma leaned over and hissed, “Bill doesn’t need Viagra,” as my grandfather entered the room.  Another time, she confided in me, “I hope your mother doesn’t develop irritable bowel syndrome like I did.” When her cat started giving preferential treatment to my grandfather, she justified it with, “Oh, Ollie’s just a homo.”

And finally, at the tender age of fourteen, during a visit to her home in New Mexico, she made me a dessert called “better than sex cake”. Hovering over me as I took the first bite, she demanded, “Well? Is it?”

During that same trip she insisted on taking me to Albertsons grocery store.

albertsons

When we got there,  she led me down the long main aisle and announced, “I’m going to teach you how to steal.” We came to a section of the grocery store with a  huge display of  individually wrapped candies. She stopped so I did too, both of us eyeing the sea of assorted deliciousness from chocolates to peppermints to taffy and lemon drops.

Grandma let out a sigh of excitement, then leaned over the display unwrapped something resembling a candy corn, and popped it in her mouth. I figured that eating within the confines of the store didn’t really qualify as stealing so I joined her.  A cashier walked by, eying us suspiciously but my grandma just waved and moved on to the lemon drops. For the next ten minutes she proceeded to shovel candy into her mouth.

Taffy

Then she  transferred the shoveling process to the inside of her purse.  Handfull after handfull until no more would fit. Struggling to zip it, she turned to me, still chewing, and said loudly, “Put some in your pockets.”

“I…”

“Go on, open your pockets and put some in there.”

Reluctantly I started filling the pockets of my jeans shorts with candy, continuing to cram in every tiny piece until Grandma said I could stop.

Next, she led me over to the  frozen meat section and selected a large steak. My curiosity  turned to horror when I realized she might try to walk out of the store without paying for the meat. I trailed her towards the exit and at the last possible minute she veered towards the check out and slapped the meat up on the counter.  I think she figured that actually buying something would be a diversion of sorts.

Grandma unzipped her purse unaffected by the crowd of Albertson’s employees that were now watching.  As she dug around for her checkbook she removed a handful of candy, put it on the counter, wrote the check and then put the candy, followed by the checkbook, back in her purse.

As we headed towards the exit, I waited for the inevitable; to be stopped and arrested.  After all, a roomful of people were watching this elderly woman with her steak smuggle hundreds of candies out of the store via her purse and the pockets of  her teenage granddaughter. Someone was sure to call the law.

But no one said a word.

We stepped out into the pounding desert heat. I watched my grandma, waiting for some sort of explanation for what had just happened.

But all she did was pull out her huge sunglasses, pat me on the arm, and say

“That, sweetheart, is how you take things.”