Tag Archives: childhood

the time I got a black eye… with the help of my brother

Like many young children I was totally obsessed with my older siblings. I used to sit outside my sister’s door and scream for her to open it and hug me. When she wouldn’t oblige I’d move down the hall to my brother’s room and do the same. Eventually he’d open his door, kick me, yell for my parents to come haul me away, and slam the door in my tear-stained face.
Homey the Clown As a result, the attention he did pay me was very important. We used to watch In Living Color together. After numerous episodes featuring Homey the Clown, I was ecstatic one afternoon when my brother filled a soccer sock full of gravel in an effort to replicate the “Homey Sock.”

To my utter delight, he chased me around the yard wielding this death sock like a lasso and bellowing “Homey Don’t Play Dat,” while I ran, just out of reach, screeching bloody murder. Fortunately he never succeeded in actually hitting me, as it would have undoubtedly caused brain damage.

One afternoon we were in the living room throwing a basketball back and forth. I was a gymnast and in between throws I was doing front somersaults on the couch. My brother, bored with our simple game, decided it would be more fun to throw the basketball at my head as hard as he could while I was upside down. He made this decision while I was mid-air.

The ball hit me somewhere in the stomach area throwing me off balance. I landed partially on the couch, partially on the floor, fell over and hit the side of my face on the coffee table. I burst into tears and may have blacked out.
basketball
That night my parents came home to discover I had a black eye that took up about a quarter of my face with a small gash right below my left eyeball.

The next morning my black eye had turned from black, to purple with tinges of yellow. I selected my favorite sunglasses; hot pink and black with diamond studs around the rim, and prepared for school as if nothing had happened. Even at nine years old, I’d watched enough early 90′s Lifetime movies to know that when a woman gets a black eye she wears sunglasses to cover it up.

As horrified as my parents were, there was no reason to keep me out of school. I didn’t feel bad. In fact, I was a little excited about demurely revealing my black eye when other kids asked me why I was wearing sunglasses in the classroom.

The morning passed with a flurry of attention from my fourth grade friends. By the afternoon the yellowing bruise had started to spread and it looked as if someone had vomited on my face. I was sitting alone in the hall reading (during ‘Sustained Silent Reading’) when the guidance counselor walked by.
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“Hi Mrs. Kelleher!” I said, from behind my dark lenses.
She smiled absently and then did a double take.  “Meghan? Why are you wearing sunglasses inside?”

I became bashful and was overcome with the feeling I was doing something wrong.

Mrs. Kelleher leaned in.
“Meghan. Take your sunglasses off please.”
I did. She inhaled sharply.
“Did someone hurt you?”
“I hit my head on the coffee table.”
I suddenly felt like one of those women in the Lifetime movies. I could feel her disbelief, her judgment. I felt dirty, like I was lying, like I’d done something wrong. The thing was, I wasn’t lying and I hadn’t done a damn thing except flip on the couch. But I could tell Mrs. Kelleher didn’t believe me. She thought I was hiding something.

She wanted me to come to her office to talk. But I insisted, no, I was fine. I had actually hit my head on the coffee table. Finally she let it go and I went back to reading.

At home that afternoon my brother gave me the heartfelt apology of a 13 year old not entirely sure if he almost killed his little sister. As a peace offering he let me chase him through the yard with the homey sock.

This time my parents came home from work to find their pony-tailed fourth grader with a yellowing bruise now encompassing half her face,  chasing her brother through the yard, and trying to hit him with a sock full of gravel.

At least I was laughing, not crying.

the time i discovered the adult onesie

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina is the ultimate redneck getaway, and when I was fourteen my family went there to vacation. As we passed billboards for South of the Border (a decidedly racist ‘resort’) and Jesus Christ, (yes, there are entire billboards devoted to Bible quotes) I grew increasingly excited about spending some time in this white trash Mecca.

real myrtle beach ferris wheelLike many southerners who move to other parts of the country, I have a love/ hate relationship with the south.

I both loathe and celebrate my roots—relishing the iced tea, array of accents and slow sweltering summers,
while hating the rampant closed mindedness and militant Christianity.

Of course, every part of “the south” is vastly different and as far as I was concerned Myrtle Beach was like visiting the circus.

It turned out to be everything I wanted and more; huge Ferris wheels, bumper cars, tourists with no teeth, vats of cotton candy consumed by people of unparalleled obesity, tattoo parlors on every corner and a fabulous selection of mullets, skullets and chullets drinking Ice House beer while bobbing in Jacuzzis with women clad in Budweiser bikinis.

a real skulletYet, of all this sensory magic, the following takes the cake.
I was picking up sea shells during a late afternoon walk with my mom when I spotted a woman. She was bending over, about 30 feet ahead of us, making a very specific shell selection. Possibly in her mid-thirties, she had a leathery tan and bleached blonde hair preceded by several inches of black roots (later rocked by SJP in Sex and the City). It was her clothing that nearly stopped me dead in my tracks.

She wore a large piece of blinding neon pink, yellow and green tie died fabric stretched across her entire body. The fabric was sorta loose with openings for the legs and arms and head. A scrunchy coil of elastic connected the fabric across her back.  I was trying to figure out what exactly this contraption was when she suddenly stood up revealing a phrase emblazoned in HUGE capitol neon orange letters across her entire front:

“I WANNA SEX YOU UP”

She stood there, eying her shells,  in all her tie-dyed glory.

I was looking at a onesie on an adult.

Also, she was pregnant.

I wanted to stop and ask this woman about her wardrobe selection. I wanted to understand, really get, at what point in her preparation for the day she looked in the mirror and thought, “I’m ready.” Most of all, I wished I had a camera.

I kept walking, wondering, never knowing, and a few seconds later the woman gathered her shells and headed on down the beach.

Nowadays the adult female onesie is all the rage.  My friend Stephanie just got me one for my birthday (solid black, no words) and I see ladies rocking them all the time.
modern day onesie
In the same way she set the precedent for the SJP roots exposure, I secretly credit “I Wanna Sex You Up” pregnant woman for  bestowing the crude template for the modern onesie on the world of  mainstream fashion.

The south is a lot more progressive than you think.

the time my grandma taught me how to steal

My grandma is the kind of person everyone wants to be like when they get old.  She has a response for everything and her ability to drop a dry witted/totally offensive one liner has only slightly waned with age.

At dinner when I was eleven years old, Grandma leaned over and hissed, “Bill doesn’t need Viagra,” as my grandfather entered the room.  Another time, she confided in me, “I hope your mother doesn’t develop irritable bowel syndrome like I did.” When her cat started giving preferential treatment to my grandfather, she justified it with, “Oh, Ollie’s just a homo.”

And finally, at the tender age of fourteen, during a visit to her home in New Mexico, she made me a dessert called “better than sex cake”. Hovering over me as I took the first bite, she demanded, “Well? Is it?”

During that same trip she insisted on taking me to Albertsons grocery store.

albertsons

When we got there,  she led me down the long main aisle and announced, “I’m going to teach you how to steal.” We came to a section of the grocery store with a  huge display of  individually wrapped candies. She stopped so I did too, both of us eyeing the sea of assorted deliciousness from chocolates to peppermints to taffy and lemon drops.

Grandma let out a sigh of excitement, then leaned over the display unwrapped something resembling a candy corn, and popped it in her mouth. I figured that eating within the confines of the store didn’t really qualify as stealing so I joined her.  A cashier walked by, eying us suspiciously but my grandma just waved and moved on to the lemon drops. For the next ten minutes she proceeded to shovel candy into her mouth.

Taffy

Then she  transferred the shoveling process to the inside of her purse.  Handfull after handfull until no more would fit. Struggling to zip it, she turned to me, still chewing, and said loudly, “Put some in your pockets.”

“I…”

“Go on, open your pockets and put some in there.”

Reluctantly I started filling the pockets of my jeans shorts with candy, continuing to cram in every tiny piece until Grandma said I could stop.

Next, she led me over to the  frozen meat section and selected a large steak. My curiosity  turned to horror when I realized she might try to walk out of the store without paying for the meat. I trailed her towards the exit and at the last possible minute she veered towards the check out and slapped the meat up on the counter.  I think she figured that actually buying something would be a diversion of sorts.

Grandma unzipped her purse unaffected by the crowd of Albertson’s employees that were now watching.  As she dug around for her checkbook she removed a handful of candy, put it on the counter, wrote the check and then put the candy, followed by the checkbook, back in her purse.

As we headed towards the exit, I waited for the inevitable; to be stopped and arrested.  After all, a roomful of people were watching this elderly woman with her steak smuggle hundreds of candies out of the store via her purse and the pockets of  her teenage granddaughter. Someone was sure to call the law.

But no one said a word.

We stepped out into the pounding desert heat. I watched my grandma, waiting for some sort of explanation for what had just happened.

But all she did was pull out her huge sunglasses, pat me on the arm, and say

“That, sweetheart, is how you take things.”