the time i caught my kitten hanging herself

People always say cats are easy. They just hang out, eating and shitting and don’t need a lot of attention. Kittens, however, are a challenge that seems to be conveniently left out of the equation. I recently adopted two (Bucket orange, Lola, black and white) from the local animal shelter and had no idea what I was in for.
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Between the litter training, malnourishment, meds, sleepless nights, requests for attention and unprecedented cuteness, I’ve gotten a glimpse of motherhood that makes me perfectly content that the real thing is nowhere in sight.

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I’ve never been solely responsible for another living creature and it surprises me how quickly I’ve fallen completely in love with these babies. Just this moment Bucket, the little stumpy fluffy one, made it into the windowsill for the first time without missing and splatting on his face. Victories like this make all the diarrhea blowouts worth it.

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The first time I got a glimpse of this kind of love was with my childhood kitty, Spoon (RIP lil’ angel). My parents got her when I was eleven and she was a petite little thing that looked like a Holstein cow.

Spoon wasn’t your quintessential lap kitty but she made up for it by being completely crazy, tearing around the house, talking constantly and attacking things like dust bunnies and wall hangings. Her crazed reptilian expressions, juxtaposed with her tiny fluffiness, warmed my little girl heart.

We used to set up “stations” where Spoon could entertain herself. One station in particular was called the ‘yoyo station’. It was simple, really. An unwound yoyo tied against the wooden slat of the back of a dinner chair. The  round yoyo part was high so Spoon could bat at it. The string was sort of intertwined within itself dangling, taunting. Spoon loved this station and spent much of her free time there.

One day I was sitting in my room when I heard a long low yowl that quickly escalated into an unbearable wall of sound. I went tearing out to the kitchen and found Spoon, wrapped in her yoyo, dangling from the back of the chair by the neck. She’d somehow managed to get tangled and stuck while suspended mid air. My dad and sister arrived on the scene and my dad yelled for me to get the scissors.

I did, and in a valiant effort to be the hero, I ran up to Spoon and attempted to cut her down from the neck. It didn’t occur to me to just cut the string she was hanging from, instead I tried to finesse the scissors past her struggling limbs into her neck fur and cut the very part of string that was choking her.  She flailed and yowled and I took my time concentrating on getting the scissors around the string by her neck.

Just before I could miss and cut her head off, my dad wrenched the scissors out of my hand and cut the string from the chair.  We pulled the remaining yoyo parts off her neck and body and Spoon, barely affected, wandered away to attack something else.

After that incident we discontinued the yoyo station for the duration of Spoon’s life.

Lola and Bucket have not encountered any yoyos in their home.

the time i should have gotten my ass kicked

Middle school is like a war zone and my school was in it to win it.

It was the mid 90’s during the height of the Tupac/Biggie feud and my peers had designated the left side of our 7th grade hall “west side” and the right side “east side.”

Every day when classes changed all the students — black and white, male and female– would run into the centrum and start screeching ‘west side’ and ‘east side’ and throwing up their best attempts at gang signs. I participated, not just because everyone else was, but because I had a huge crush on Anthony, one of the instigators of this little gang simulation.

Anthony was about 6 feet tall, black and looked like he was 20. I met him in 2nd grade and since I’d hit puberty he’d been paying me special attention.

Unfortunately, Anthony already had a white girlfriend who didn’t really want him getting another one. Brandi had a perm, braces and an attitude that would not quit. When Anthony dumped Brandi and started “talking” to me, Brandi expressed her anger by screaming obscenities at me in the hall.

I’d scream right back, calling her bitch and ho as she repeatedly threatened to beat me up. Sometimes my friend Rebecca, who was a center for the basketball team, would report things back to me that Brandi said at practice. This would only fuel my anger.  Brandi and I kept screaming at each other for several weeks but she never actually pulled a punch.  I genuinely believe she was scared of me.

Then one day I was sitting in social studies class when I heard a scuffle outside and then a scream. In those days fights were as common as the class bell but that didn’t lessen the desire to witness one going down. Undeterred by our teacher, the class ran out into the centrum and joined the dozens of other students that had torn out of their seats to see who was getting beat up this time.

There was Brandi, standing in the middle of the hall, holding this girl Amanda by the hair. Amanda howled as Brandi used her free hand to punch, slap and claw Amanda’s face. Then Brandi let go of Amanda’s hair, kicked her to the ground and started pummeling her. Brandi picked Amanda up again—by the hair—and went for her face, this time beating her with an open handed fist.

Amanda was helpless, squawking and screeching but not quick enough to get in a single punch, scratch or even kick. Brandi was like a wild animal unleashed.  Her movements were rapid, methodic, precise. This was no fight. It was a full on ambush and Amanda didn’t stand a chance.

People began laughing and inhaling sharply and I wasn’t sure why until I noticed Amanda’s pants. She had peed herself.

Finally some teachers sauntered over and broke up the fight, dragging each girl separately to the office. I stood there totally shocked wondering, Why wasn’t that me?

Later Rebecca met me at my locker. She told me Brandi had been dying to beat the shit out of me for weeks but that Rebecca had intercepted and told Brandi that if she ever touched me, she’d have to deal with Rebecca.

At age 13, Rebecca was 6ft 1 and stronger than any girl I knew.  Nobody fucked with her.  I was speechlessly grateful, staring at the spot on the floor thinking how easily I could have been the one peeing myself.

The bell rang and the throng of students throwing up gang signs disappeared into their classrooms.

I never did date Anthony but 2 weeks later he and Rebecca got together. They dated for six months, which, for middle school is like an eternity.

the time my grandma taught me how to steal

My grandma is the kind of person everyone wants to be like when they get old.  She has a response for everything and her ability to drop a dry witted/totally offensive one liner has only slightly waned with age.

At dinner when I was eleven years old, Grandma leaned over and hissed, “Bill doesn’t need Viagra,” as my grandfather entered the room.  Another time, she confided in me, “I hope your mother doesn’t develop irritable bowel syndrome like I did.” When her cat started giving preferential treatment to my grandfather, she justified it with, “Oh, Ollie’s just a homo.”

And finally, at the tender age of fourteen, during a visit to her home in New Mexico, she made me a dessert called “better than sex cake”. Hovering over me as I took the first bite, she demanded, “Well? Is it?”

During that same trip she insisted on taking me to Albertsons grocery store.

albertsons

When we got there,  she led me down the long main aisle and announced, “I’m going to teach you how to steal.” We came to a section of the grocery store with a  huge display of  individually wrapped candies. She stopped so I did too, both of us eyeing the sea of assorted deliciousness from chocolates to peppermints to taffy and lemon drops.

Grandma let out a sigh of excitement, then leaned over the display unwrapped something resembling a candy corn, and popped it in her mouth. I figured that eating within the confines of the store didn’t really qualify as stealing so I joined her.  A cashier walked by, eying us suspiciously but my grandma just waved and moved on to the lemon drops. For the next ten minutes she proceeded to shovel candy into her mouth.

Taffy

Then she  transferred the shoveling process to the inside of her purse.  Handfull after handfull until no more would fit. Struggling to zip it, she turned to me, still chewing, and said loudly, “Put some in your pockets.”

“I…”

“Go on, open your pockets and put some in there.”

Reluctantly I started filling the pockets of my jeans shorts with candy, continuing to cram in every tiny piece until Grandma said I could stop.

Next, she led me over to the  frozen meat section and selected a large steak. My curiosity  turned to horror when I realized she might try to walk out of the store without paying for the meat. I trailed her towards the exit and at the last possible minute she veered towards the check out and slapped the meat up on the counter.  I think she figured that actually buying something would be a diversion of sorts.

Grandma unzipped her purse unaffected by the crowd of Albertson’s employees that were now watching.  As she dug around for her checkbook she removed a handful of candy, put it on the counter, wrote the check and then put the candy, followed by the checkbook, back in her purse.

As we headed towards the exit, I waited for the inevitable; to be stopped and arrested.  After all, a roomful of people were watching this elderly woman with her steak smuggle hundreds of candies out of the store via her purse and the pockets of  her teenage granddaughter. Someone was sure to call the law.

But no one said a word.

We stepped out into the pounding desert heat. I watched my grandma, waiting for some sort of explanation for what had just happened.

But all she did was pull out her huge sunglasses, pat me on the arm, and say

“That, sweetheart, is how you take things.”

the time i got hit on by a special ed minor

In college I was a lifeguard at a pool that was notorious for shutting down because someone had pooped in the shallow end.  While such incidents are usually attributed to very small children, in our case the #2’s were due to the enticing discounts we provided for the nearby special education camps. 

These campers ranged in age from 5 or 6 to well into their 40’s and came with a plethora of needs and challenges. As a young, inexperienced lifeguard, I too felt that life was full of potential dangers and challenges – one being – supervising the deep end swim test which often resulted in an ‘active drowning’ rescue.  

 pool

One day, as I singlehandedly “manned” this section of the pool, a bus full of campers opened it’s doors and a sea of people with varying mental capacities came charging towards me.

I watched, helpless, as over twenty campers stampeded through the gates and flung themselves into the deep end. I didn’t know what to do first. Blow my whistle? Jump in and try to grab them all at once? Simply walk away?

I saw my co-workers; Juliana on the other side of the pool leisurely applying sunscreen, Eddie asleep on a towel. Did no one see what was happening?

I prepared for the group rescue of a lifetime but just as I was about to launch myself into the murky blue water, I realized that none of the kids were actually drowning.  As a matter of fact, they’d all bobbed to the surface and were yelling and screeching and laughing.

At that moment, their camp counselor strolled up to me and asked how my day was going. I slowly pointed at the deep end and she said,

“Most of the campers are autistic so they’re all really good swimmers.”

Wtf?

“Yeah,” she continued. “They have really good instincts and a lot of them just naturally know how to swim.”

Oh. Really?

Later, the lifeguards rotate and I take up post in the shallow end where a lone African American teenager in a life jacket bobbed in the two-foot section. This was more like it. I was relieved to just sit back, relax and chill with this  guy. He even giggled a little, which was great, cause I love to laugh. 

Juliana had taken up my post, glancing nervously at the campers flailing and screeching in the deep end. I looked at Eddie, who’d gotten off the towel, and was standing near a man with down’s syndrome. The man was climbing up and down the ladder of the slide, crying cause he was too scared to go down. 

My one camper giggled and bobbed his head to his own beat. And then he said something.

“What?” I asked.

He giggled and said it again. I leaned in, repeating, “What?”

He shook his head and then articulated clearly and flirtatiously, “Girl.. shutchyo’ mouth.”

I looked around. Excuse me? 

“Girl, you nasty.”

What?

 “Girl, you so nasty. Shutchyo’ mouth. Girl… you nasty.”  He laughed again and I looked around in horror.

“Nasty, nasty. Mm. Hmm.”

Was this kid faking?  Was he hitting on me? What?

He said it a few more times, chuckling to himself like he knew something I didn’t. This went on for several minutes and not once did I actually respond. I focused my attention on the man with down’s syndrome, overjoyed when he finally made it down the slide.

The camper in the life jacket continued to address me. 

I glanced desperately around the pool, momentarily distracted  by the overweight middle aged camper circling the perimeter with an early 90’s boombox hiked over his shoulder blasting The Pure Prairie League’s “Amy” on repeat. 

Eventually, thankfully, it was time for the lifeguards to rotate.

I was back to the deep end where my terror was replaced by relief. I watched Eddie take up my post, wondering what the kid was going to say to him. A few minutes passed but he seemed to have no visible interest in telling Eddie that he was nasty.

Then I heard Juliana squeal.  She was using a net to fish something dark and solid out of her side of the pool. Upon close inspection she announced, “We got a butterfinger! Clear the pool!” I blew the whistle and she, Eddie, the counselor and I helped herd the distraught kids out of the water and back towards the bus.

Just another day at the office.

the time i learned to kiss on a boy that wasn’t my boyfriend when I had a boyfriend

I was thirteen and really nervous about my first kiss with my experienced boyfriend so I asked my friend Megan for help. Like a tinier Rosie Perez, Megan was sassy, loud and had no regrets. She had a solution to most any problem and my kissing fears were right up her alley.

After school I met her in the woods behind her house and she presented me with Josh.

trails

Josh was a sixth grader from down the street with a shaved head and Megan instructed me to make out with him.

“He’s the best kisser in the neighborhood. Everyone uses him for practice.”

I nodded nervously and turned to Josh. He was all business.

Surprisingly delicate, he took his time positioning my chin, then reaching up and putting two hands firmly on my shoulders. He glanced at Megan once, received what must have been some unspoken cue, and dove in, shoving his eleven – year old face into mine.

Next thing I knew, we were kissing. Or, something was happening. A lot of movement and then it was over. Megan was right in there, giving a pointed critique as I pulled away touching my lips to make sure they were still intact.

However violent and unexpected, I  liked what had just  happened.

Megan gave a couple notes and so did Josh, mainly just moving his two index fingers in large rapid circles around each other so I’d get an idea of what should be going on inside our mouths.  I nodded, processing. Then we did it again.  Each time it made more sense. Megan coached and Josh and I practiced for nearly twenty solid minutes.

After a while, it got to be kind of fun. I touched his face. I moved my head around. I sighed loudly. I was getting really into it but Josh was getting antsy. Finally he looked at Megan and said, “I think she’s ready.”

I wanted to object but he was already walking towards his 10-speed mumbling something about his playstation and Megan seemed to agree that their work was done.

Before leaving Josh glanced at both of us and said, “See ya on the bus.” I nodded a thank you and then he was gone, his legs pedaling rapidly towards the safety of the asphalt streets.

That night was my big date with my boyfriend. After an informative conversation about life as a middle school wrestler, he took me outside the Lueggs sandwich shop and leaned me up against the wall in the shadows.

He was dressed nicely, slicked down hair, scrubbed clean skin and he radiated Cool Water cologne. He tilted my chin, put his hands on my shoulders and then ran them down my arms…

I wasn’t a religious child but as he descended upon my face, I shot up a silent prayer,

‘Here it is. My first kiss. Please god, let me remember everything I learned today.”

the time i talked to my parents about orgasms

When I was in sixth grade I came home from an exciting day at school and told my parents about the orgasms we’d covered in the day’s science class.  Flattered by their rapt attention, I yammered on and on about the big ones and the small ones, their growth and development and how they had varying responses to stimuli till finally my dad cut me off with a resounding, “What?”

I hated being second guessed so I said in my biggest attitudinal voice, “Orgasms.”

He looked at my mom and she looked at him and they looked and me and then they repeated this a couple of times until finally my dad (who is a scientist) said, “Don’t you mean organisms?

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This pissed me off even more because, clearly, what’s the difference, which is exactly what I said. “Whatever Daddy, what’s the difference?”

My dad looked tired. Trapped. He turned to the salsa, bread, chips and hot sauce snack combo he’d been preparing on the counter, picked it up and left the room.

On his way out he turned to my mother and said,

“I’m gonna let you take this one.”

After he’d exited, my mother looked me squarely in the face, paused, pursing her lips so I knew she meant business and said,

“An orgasm is a feeling that you get when you really love someone. Really love them.”

This totally grossed me out because who wants to talk to their mother about boys so I rolled my eyes, skulked out of the room, and joined my dad on the couch to watch America’s Most Wanted.

the time i was 16 and sold porn

My first job was at a video store  in Hillsborough, NC. One day I got a call from a man who wanted to know about the availability of two movies. He didn’t have their titles, just their serial numbers. Both started with XXX .

I plugged them into the computer and told the man yes, the two films in question were indeed in the store and I’d be happy to hold them till he arrived.  He asked  if I could please read the titles out loud to him. I glanced at Christina, my co-worker and friend, as she blissfully rolled up movie posters in the corner of the store.

I tried to speak as memories of similar encounters hurling themselves around inside my head  — the fathers of kids I went to school with greeting me as they checked out the ever popular “Extreme Teen 19,” the guy that rented nine porns and brought them back less than 24 hours later in a plastic bag. Or, the very placement of the porn drawer—by the floor so I’d have to bend over, well aware of my extremely pink thong poking out of the top of my low rise jeans.

I was a professional and I could certainly speak the words I saw on the screen.

The man on the phone seemed to be in a hurry. He didn’t have time for me to waste his time. He demanded that I read the titles aloud right now. So I did.

I said Hotel Pleasures. Then I said Pink Hotel on Butt—but, I couldn’t. On “butt” I burst into hysterical coughing laughter, tripping and gasping into the phone. I fell against the counter and somehow managed to throw the phone across the room. It hit the wall and fell down and Christina ran over in horror. I grabbed the phone and hung it up.

When I finally came to I explained to Christina what had happened. As she stared at me the significance of my behavior became apparent. What had I done? Laughed in a patron’s face? Hung up on him? I was sure to lose my job and what if I dragged her down with me?

The silence between us was palpable until the phone rang.

Shit.

I jumped over the counter and ran to the far end of the store. Christina screamed for me to answer the phone, but I couldn’t. She hissed, she begged but I cowered in the new release section, the one patron in the store glaring at me as I blocked her view of the videos.

Christina answered the phone — cool calm and professional. She apologized for the mix up. A lot of calls had been dropped. There was something wrong with the phone line. Oh? Yes of course. Hotel Pleasures and Pink Hotel on Butt Row.  Later this evening? Certainly.

Later that evening the store got busy. It was Saturday and Christina and I were tag teaming behind the counter, me boxing the tapes, her doing the cash register.  I had apologized and forgotten.

I recognized his voice behind me.

He stood there with a woman that was presumably his wife and wanted to know which one of us he’d spoken to on the phone. I turned around. Christina turned around. We stood looking guilty as charged, as if in a line up or maybe it was just me. I crossed my eyes and stared at a spot on the far wall. Christina retrieved his movies while I stood there concentrating very, very hard on not letting my mouth give way.

But I couldn’t. I burst out laughing and he got his answer.

A couple of days later I told my boss what had happened. I was afraid the guy would call and complain and if I was going to get fired for being obnoxious to porn customers I wanted to be able to defend myself.

Of course my boss laughed and basically said the guy was a creeper. I never saw him in the store again but I did notice a significant increase in the number of people that rented Pink Hotel on Butt Row.